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| Nathaniel is what I often called Nathan, I guess it was somewhat of a pet name. So why not name the pet that name? |
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
A Herp, In Honor
After having dinner with my best friend, boyfriend, brothers and parents and reminiscing about our late friend, I had to venture off to get some crickets for my reptiles. I admit, it was a bit of an impulse but I am glad it happened. My friends and family realize how much my reptiles mean to me, but Nathan is one who I think truly understood. I saw a Golden Skink at the store and I needed him. Partially as a pick me up but it is what Roscoe said next that made the decision final. "Do you have a name for him yet?" He asked. I shook my head no. "How about you name him in honor of your friend?". That sealed the deal right there. Nathan, in honor of our love of similar things, and love for each other, here I give you Nathaniel.
Monday, 18 March 2013
Departure, Unplanned.
It never comes to your realization how much you care for someone until they are gone. Before I say more, I would like to say that this is a tribute to someone who very recently passed away, but was extremely close to me.
The first boyfriend I ever had passed away of unexpected heart failure. We never officially broke up. He happened to be the first gay man I ever knew, and my brothers best friend. My brother got involved, bound to happen due to the situation, claiming he wanted to help me. Coming out to friends in the first year of high school could be hard. I think this was mainly a ploy to stop me from dating his best friend but there was some truth in it. Anyway, because of this we just kind of stopped dating. Nothing official was ever said but we stayed good friends, and would for years to come.
I remember when I first approached him after finding out he was gay. it was at my family's house, by the back door. I walked up to him on the staircase all shyly and sheepishly said "So... how do you know your gay?" He seemed a little shocked and herded me out the backdoor without a sound. I don't remember what he said then, but I do remember his putting his hand on my shoulder. I remember it being very comforting.
From that moment on, many great adventures and hilarious times ensued. From the time he took my best friend and I to see random fire works that we never figured out were for. It was dark and we kept seeing an owl on the wooden fence posts. The same owl. We all thought it was kind of eerie, and were laughing about how it would be creepy if it ll of a sudden flew out in front... and half way through that exact sentence it did. The damn owl flew right out in front of the truck. The cab of the truck was a flutter of screams and laughter all at once. Camping with him was always fun too. I remember driving around in his truck for like an hour in circles around my place just so I could show him music I liked and wanted to show him. That was a main passion we shared, music. He was mainly into dance and stuff and I, metal. Then there was the time he picked me up from school after I had been nagging him to cut down on smoking. He was parked right out the front door and as I walked up he had an entire pack worth of smokes in his hands, grimaced from ear to ear and ripped them all in half. I was so very proud of him. He went from two packs a day, to two cigarettes a day.
He always went through depressions and felt lonely a lot of the time. People frequently got angry at him for his spending habits, but I think I understand. Material goods give people a short term happiness. I think he needed it. I have been through it. Getting myself a new piercing to bring me out of a funk. I that was part of reason he spent his money the way he did. He was very proud when he got into the trades. It made him feel like he had a place in life. I remember being very proud when he got in.
More good times were when my best friend and I wanted to go out and play in the rain. Jumping and rolling around in the near by tennis court until our clothes were soaked through. We walked over to his house and called his phone. "Hello!" he said. "We are cold, sopping yet and standing at your front door, what are you going to do?" I told him. Or the time he brought an ex-friend to see me at school. We were all in the cafeteria and smiling and laughing and this at-the-time-friend of his looks to me and says "so are you going to tell me where this [my name]-kid is, or do I have to beat you for it? I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and replied "Really? You are going to beat up the kid you are here to hang out with? Classy." Haha, good times, good times.
As I said, he seemed lonely a lot of the time. I regret not having as much contact with him in the end. Mix of things like texts not going through or times not matching up. He lived so close too. I regret not going over more. However, as lonely as I think he has felt in life, I also don't think he realized how many friends he had. He was cared about, very much so. He was the first man I really ever cared about in that way and no one ever really tells you what that person really means to you once they are gone.
I can now never tell you how much you meant to me, or how much I will miss you. That is the part that pains me the most. You meant, no... you mean so much to me and you always will. If it wasn't for you, I would have never begun my journey to find out who I really was and be comfortable and happy with myself. You have yourself to thank for sparking the start of that journey. You will never be forgotten. You have gained a life beyond life through the happiness you showed me and the stories that were born from the times we spent together. Nate, this is for you and I wish you the best, in what ever comes next.
No matter what you do
Your life could be so much better now when everything is through
The demons that refused to let you go
They leave with empty hands
You got to give it a try
Don't put an end to your life
Cause that's where you choke your last sign
You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...
Your passion for art is your well hidden cure
Cause that's where you have a plan
Escaping could be such a movement now
In your fragile heart also true
You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...
... You'll never ever hurt yourself again!
We listened to this song over and over and over again together, so it only feels fitting that I post it here.
The first boyfriend I ever had passed away of unexpected heart failure. We never officially broke up. He happened to be the first gay man I ever knew, and my brothers best friend. My brother got involved, bound to happen due to the situation, claiming he wanted to help me. Coming out to friends in the first year of high school could be hard. I think this was mainly a ploy to stop me from dating his best friend but there was some truth in it. Anyway, because of this we just kind of stopped dating. Nothing official was ever said but we stayed good friends, and would for years to come.
I remember when I first approached him after finding out he was gay. it was at my family's house, by the back door. I walked up to him on the staircase all shyly and sheepishly said "So... how do you know your gay?" He seemed a little shocked and herded me out the backdoor without a sound. I don't remember what he said then, but I do remember his putting his hand on my shoulder. I remember it being very comforting.
From that moment on, many great adventures and hilarious times ensued. From the time he took my best friend and I to see random fire works that we never figured out were for. It was dark and we kept seeing an owl on the wooden fence posts. The same owl. We all thought it was kind of eerie, and were laughing about how it would be creepy if it ll of a sudden flew out in front... and half way through that exact sentence it did. The damn owl flew right out in front of the truck. The cab of the truck was a flutter of screams and laughter all at once. Camping with him was always fun too. I remember driving around in his truck for like an hour in circles around my place just so I could show him music I liked and wanted to show him. That was a main passion we shared, music. He was mainly into dance and stuff and I, metal. Then there was the time he picked me up from school after I had been nagging him to cut down on smoking. He was parked right out the front door and as I walked up he had an entire pack worth of smokes in his hands, grimaced from ear to ear and ripped them all in half. I was so very proud of him. He went from two packs a day, to two cigarettes a day.
He always went through depressions and felt lonely a lot of the time. People frequently got angry at him for his spending habits, but I think I understand. Material goods give people a short term happiness. I think he needed it. I have been through it. Getting myself a new piercing to bring me out of a funk. I that was part of reason he spent his money the way he did. He was very proud when he got into the trades. It made him feel like he had a place in life. I remember being very proud when he got in.
More good times were when my best friend and I wanted to go out and play in the rain. Jumping and rolling around in the near by tennis court until our clothes were soaked through. We walked over to his house and called his phone. "Hello!" he said. "We are cold, sopping yet and standing at your front door, what are you going to do?" I told him. Or the time he brought an ex-friend to see me at school. We were all in the cafeteria and smiling and laughing and this at-the-time-friend of his looks to me and says "so are you going to tell me where this [my name]-kid is, or do I have to beat you for it? I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and replied "Really? You are going to beat up the kid you are here to hang out with? Classy." Haha, good times, good times.
As I said, he seemed lonely a lot of the time. I regret not having as much contact with him in the end. Mix of things like texts not going through or times not matching up. He lived so close too. I regret not going over more. However, as lonely as I think he has felt in life, I also don't think he realized how many friends he had. He was cared about, very much so. He was the first man I really ever cared about in that way and no one ever really tells you what that person really means to you once they are gone.
I can now never tell you how much you meant to me, or how much I will miss you. That is the part that pains me the most. You meant, no... you mean so much to me and you always will. If it wasn't for you, I would have never begun my journey to find out who I really was and be comfortable and happy with myself. You have yourself to thank for sparking the start of that journey. You will never be forgotten. You have gained a life beyond life through the happiness you showed me and the stories that were born from the times we spent together. Nate, this is for you and I wish you the best, in what ever comes next.
Departure Plan
By Soilwork
You're taking care of your instinctsNo matter what you do
Your life could be so much better now when everything is through
The demons that refused to let you go
They leave with empty hands
You got to give it a try
Don't put an end to your life
Cause that's where you choke your last sign
You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...
Your passion for art is your well hidden cure
Cause that's where you have a plan
Escaping could be such a movement now
In your fragile heart also true
You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...
... You'll never ever hurt yourself again!
We listened to this song over and over and over again together, so it only feels fitting that I post it here.
Monday, 4 February 2013
... And I Tumbld
And I fell. That is right, I finally caved. I made a Tumblr account. I was thinking, I have this blog to post all of MY stuff, but nowhere that seem appropriate to post stuff I like but that isn't really "mine". It made sense to me to make a Tumblr account for this reason. You can find the blog at pupberith.tumblr.com. It is also in the fancy little side menu thing titled "Links". I put it there for ease. Use it, yes?
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Conversationally Cursed
I know I promised not to use this blog to rant, but really, what else are blogs used for? I will hereby change the promise I made to "I promise not to use this blog to rant about petty problems." I will however blog about stuff I think is worth ranting about. Stuff that has a point and meaning.
I try my best to social network., and sometimes, most of the time, people can't hold conversations or just don't care to talk and be friends. This seems petty doesn't it? Wrong. I don't social network because I want people to like me. I social network to work on social skills that elude me, or are difficult for me. I am autistic (well, since Aspergers' Syndrome is finally recognized as its own disorder, it technically isn't counted in the autistic spectrum, but it is just easier to say autism). I won't go into detail about it as I will type on forever about it. Instead, you can read this handy-dandy wikipedia article about it. (I haven't gone through the whole thing so it may be a little dated, we all know the internet, right?)
So, while not replying to a message or replying with one word replies doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it is to me. It is actually extremely frustrating. I do not think most people realize how much energy, thought, and trial I put into something even as simple as "Hello, how are you?" It takes a lot of courage and effort on my part to do so. Reaching out to people is not something generally enjoy doing. Part of me does it because I need to. I need to for CKKC, for my hobbies and interests, for friends and most of all, for myself. I do in fact wish I could just curl up and hide in my room with my pets and live life without worry. Unfortunately we all know that is not how it works. I instead choose to wish for people to realize what a gift conversation is. It is also frustrating when people who I actually wish to talk to do not reply. I understand I do not completely have the choice to communicate and make friends those the people I want to, and I am glad for that. Some of the most interesting people I know, I did not intend to commune with them, but it happened. Most of you take communication for granted. I do not merely mean idle chat. I include in this connotation, pitch, eye contact, mannerisms and body language.
Part of the reason I guess I wrote this post is for people to gain an understanding that it is hard for me, and I put a lot into social networking and communicating. The other part of the reason is hope that people will realize and not shrug conversation away as nothing. It is something. It is how things can start, end, evolve and mature.
I try my best to social network., and sometimes, most of the time, people can't hold conversations or just don't care to talk and be friends. This seems petty doesn't it? Wrong. I don't social network because I want people to like me. I social network to work on social skills that elude me, or are difficult for me. I am autistic (well, since Aspergers' Syndrome is finally recognized as its own disorder, it technically isn't counted in the autistic spectrum, but it is just easier to say autism). I won't go into detail about it as I will type on forever about it. Instead, you can read this handy-dandy wikipedia article about it. (I haven't gone through the whole thing so it may be a little dated, we all know the internet, right?)
So, while not replying to a message or replying with one word replies doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it is to me. It is actually extremely frustrating. I do not think most people realize how much energy, thought, and trial I put into something even as simple as "Hello, how are you?" It takes a lot of courage and effort on my part to do so. Reaching out to people is not something generally enjoy doing. Part of me does it because I need to. I need to for CKKC, for my hobbies and interests, for friends and most of all, for myself. I do in fact wish I could just curl up and hide in my room with my pets and live life without worry. Unfortunately we all know that is not how it works. I instead choose to wish for people to realize what a gift conversation is. It is also frustrating when people who I actually wish to talk to do not reply. I understand I do not completely have the choice to communicate and make friends those the people I want to, and I am glad for that. Some of the most interesting people I know, I did not intend to commune with them, but it happened. Most of you take communication for granted. I do not merely mean idle chat. I include in this connotation, pitch, eye contact, mannerisms and body language.
Part of the reason I guess I wrote this post is for people to gain an understanding that it is hard for me, and I put a lot into social networking and communicating. The other part of the reason is hope that people will realize and not shrug conversation away as nothing. It is something. It is how things can start, end, evolve and mature.
Monday, 24 December 2012
A Baby Boy!
I have a new baby boy! I got a baby male carpet python. His name is Helmuth and he was hatched in October. He may look red and pink in the photo below but he is black and beige right now. As he gets older the beige will become yellow. His father is electric yellow, so he should be too.
He is angry as hell right now but that is due to his young age. Small young snakes are vulnerable so they are naturally a little more nervous. He will calm down with handling and age.
He is angry as hell right now but that is due to his young age. Small young snakes are vulnerable so they are naturally a little more nervous. He will calm down with handling and age.
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| Helmuth in striking position after being put in his new tank for the first time. |
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| Helmuth when he first arrived, show his color a bit better. |
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Passed But Always Here
This morning, one of my Tarantulas sadly passed away. Uthr (Old Norse for Past) was my Mexican Red Knee or Brachypelma smithi.
I took care of her for a friend, as she went on vacation and needed
someone to look after her tarantulas. I fell in love with the Red Knee
during that time. About a week after I gave her back, my friend came
back to me and said "I promised myself I would only have two tarantulas,
and I bought another, and I know how much you loved taking care of my
smithi, so I would like you to have her". I was caught off guard and
honored. I took Uthr in and cared and loved for her.
She will be missed but never forgotten.Most people see you as a scary spider, but I loved you, and always will.
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| Uthr crica about 2011 |
Friday, 12 October 2012
Up and Packed, Not Quite Settled.
Sorry for the long delay in postings. A lot has gone on and I needed to get settled again before I could update.
I moved out of my parents place for the first time. It is both exciting and nerve racking, free and frustrating. The new house is a really good one, despite being so far down south in the city. The distance and transit are really the only downsides though. All of my pets even have their own room! I got another pet as well, but I will save that for another post.
I also got a great job. I got a position at a high end piercing shop. I work long hours and my days off are not back to back, but it is worth it. I am having a lot of fun there. I am not a piercer, but it is so neat seeing how things are done. It is getting me closer to a community I always wanted to be a part of but never really had the chance before. I think part of that is because I moved out. The job has taken up a lot of my time and that is a bit of a bummer. I have less time for the communities I love to help out and indulge in.
I have yet to fully unpack, however, the animals are set up and that is what is important.
I moved out of my parents place for the first time. It is both exciting and nerve racking, free and frustrating. The new house is a really good one, despite being so far down south in the city. The distance and transit are really the only downsides though. All of my pets even have their own room! I got another pet as well, but I will save that for another post.
I also got a great job. I got a position at a high end piercing shop. I work long hours and my days off are not back to back, but it is worth it. I am having a lot of fun there. I am not a piercer, but it is so neat seeing how things are done. It is getting me closer to a community I always wanted to be a part of but never really had the chance before. I think part of that is because I moved out. The job has taken up a lot of my time and that is a bit of a bummer. I have less time for the communities I love to help out and indulge in.
I have yet to fully unpack, however, the animals are set up and that is what is important.
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