Monday, 18 March 2013

Departure, Unplanned.

It never comes to your realization how much you care for someone until they are gone. Before I say more, I would like to say that this is a tribute to someone who very recently passed away, but was extremely close to me.

The first boyfriend I ever had passed away of unexpected heart failure. We never officially broke up. He happened to be the first gay man I ever knew, and my brothers best friend. My brother got involved, bound to happen due to the situation, claiming he wanted to help me. Coming out to friends in the first year of high school could be hard. I think this was mainly a ploy to stop me from dating his best friend but there was some truth in it. Anyway, because of this we just kind of stopped dating. Nothing official was ever said but we stayed good friends, and would for years to come.

I remember when I first approached him after finding out he was gay. it was at my family's house, by the back door. I walked up to him on the staircase all shyly and sheepishly said "So... how do you know your gay?" He seemed a little shocked and herded me out the backdoor without a sound. I don't remember what he said then, but I do remember his putting his hand on my shoulder. I remember it being very comforting.

From that moment on, many great adventures and hilarious times ensued. From the time he took my best friend and I to see random fire works that we never figured out were for. It was dark and we kept seeing an owl on the wooden fence posts. The same owl. We all thought it was kind of eerie, and were laughing about how it would be creepy if it ll of a sudden flew out in front... and half way through that exact sentence it did. The damn owl flew right out in front of the truck. The cab of the truck was a flutter of screams and laughter all at once. Camping with him was always fun too. I remember driving around in his truck for like an hour in circles around my place just so I could show him music I liked and wanted to show him. That was a main passion we shared, music. He was mainly into dance and stuff and I, metal. Then there was the time he picked me up from school after I had been nagging him to cut down on smoking. He was parked right out the front door and as I walked up he had an entire pack worth of smokes in his hands, grimaced from ear to ear and ripped them all in half. I was so very proud of him. He went from two packs a day, to two cigarettes a day.

He always went through depressions and felt lonely a lot of the time. People frequently got angry at him for his spending habits, but I think I understand. Material goods give people a short term happiness. I think he needed it. I have been through it. Getting myself a new piercing to bring me out of a funk. I that was part of reason he spent his money the way he did. He was very proud when he got into the trades. It made him feel like he had a place in life. I remember being very proud when he got in.

More good times were when my best friend and I wanted to go out and play in the rain. Jumping and rolling around in the near by tennis court until our clothes were soaked through. We walked over to his house and called his phone. "Hello!" he said. "We are cold, sopping yet and standing at your front door, what are you going to do?" I told him. Or the time he brought an ex-friend to see me at school. We were all in the cafeteria and smiling and laughing and this at-the-time-friend of his looks to me and says "so are you going to tell me where this [my name]-kid is, or do I have to beat you for it? I looked at him with a cocked eyebrow and replied "Really? You are going to beat up the kid you are here to hang out with? Classy." Haha, good times, good times.

As I said, he seemed lonely a lot of the time. I regret not having as much contact with him in the end. Mix of things like texts not going through or times not matching up. He lived so close too. I regret not going over more. However, as lonely as I think he has felt in life, I also don't think he realized how many friends he had. He was cared about, very much so. He was the first man I really ever cared about in that way and no one ever really tells you what that person really means to you once they are gone.

I can now never tell you how much you meant to me, or how much I will miss you. That is the part that pains me the most. You meant, no... you mean so much to me and you always will. If it wasn't for you, I would have never begun my journey to find out who I really was and be comfortable and happy with myself. You have yourself to thank for sparking the start of that journey. You will never be forgotten. You have gained a life beyond life through the happiness you showed me and the stories that were born from the times we spent together. Nate, this is for you and I wish you the best, in what ever comes next.


Departure Plan 

By Soilwork

You're taking care of your instincts
No matter what you do
Your life could be so much better now when everything is through
The demons that refused to let you go
They leave with empty hands
You got to give it a try
Don't put an end to your life
Cause that's where you choke your last sign

You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...

Your passion for art is your well hidden cure
Cause that's where you have a plan
Escaping could be such a movement now
In your fragile heart also true

You gotta rise with me!
Cause you're so vulnerable... Me!
No need for sympathy now...
Yet so admirable... Say...

... You'll never ever hurt yourself again!

We listened to this song over and over and over again together, so it only feels fitting that I post it here.

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